10 Important Things Learned Living in Thailand

I can't even be bothered to search the Internet for an estimate of how many people have written X number of AMAZING things that I learned living abroad because I know it's more than I care to acknowledge. I am putting my own spin on this trend to offer my own set of Blah blah blah, this has changed me forever list without taking heed from my predecessors. What follows is a collection of mind blowing, life altering realizations, lessons, and observations that have struck my mind like bolts of epiphanic lightning.


1. That fake asian language we made up as kids actually sounds like NO Asian languages

After spending a decent amount of time in Asia, I can now fairly easily discern between a handful of more common Asian languages, but when I was a kid it was all the same. The naive little knockoff that I (and plenty of you!) spouted in my age of ignorance seriously sounds like none of them. Also, it sounds pretty racist, like Rosie O'Donnell in this funny video about faking Asian languages.

2. I have a "thing" for Asian women

While this is something I have never known about myself, apparently that's the expectation. My assumed preference for Asian women also supersedes the idea that I like women based on their character. Impossible, it's all about ethnicity. Seriously, does anyone live in Asia for three years without developing a case of yellow fever? I guess not.

3. I must be a sexual deviant

This goes right along with my preference for Asian women. As a foreign man in Asia, you either dive in head first or just dip your toe in the water to see how it feels, and then slowly became "one of us." Regardless, if you are a man living in Thailand, you came here to find a beautiful and submissive wife, or pay for sex.

4. My beard can be brawny 

Back home my facial hair seems so sparse that I liked to keep a neatly groomed stubble look, but in Thailand I can let it go crazy, and when I stand next to a Thai guy, even one that hasn't shaved in a while, it becomes a savage beast of a beard! Really, the closer I get to him, the more it looks like I belong in flannel, Red Wing boots and suspenders. Did I mention my beard starts to smell like fresh cut pine?

5. I can't possibly speak Thai

Who has time to learn a language so different. Forget the fact that I live here, because any white person must be a tourist. No matter how local the setting is, in a predominantly monoethnic society the outsiders stick out so obviously and is so inherently different that the expectation is you are here on vacation and there is no possible way you can adapt. However, it's totally normal for me to expect them to speak English, or at least bring me a translated menu with pictures, so that I make a selection and then point to what I want like the cultural and linguistic buffoon that I am.

6. We get overcharged for things in the States
Seriously, I buy the exact same things for cheaper here. It's not of lesser quality, it's the same thing. From fresh food to processed junk, most things that are exactly the same are significantly cheaper. The other day I bought a few limes for $0.18. A bottle of Coke is $0.65. However, if you like to live by the brand name, you will actually pay more than you would in the States to get that label on your apparell.

7. Football really is the most popular sport in the world

Just not the kind Americans think of when they hear the word. This really is no surprise to anyone, but, ahem, Americans. It becomes clear in autumn and obvious in winter when Yanks are scrambling to watch games online during the wee hours because they only broadcast American football games at ... oh wait, nowhere. If you think more of the world should share your love for the pigskin, check out this article about the NFL's quest for global favor.

8. Westerners ONLY buy Apple computers
Forget the fact that Thais will hold a promotional iPhone release event that resembles a concert stage with pyrotechnics, and the widespread use of iPhones and iPads in general. It is the westerners who are totally obsessed with Apple because we have the computers. I didn't realize that we western folk are so drawn to the brand until I had a friend tell me he doesn't "understand why farang need to have a Mac." Well, if it ain't Mac, it's whack. Duh.

9. Dogs are accessories

When you see someone cruising down the street on their motorbike with a couple of poodles that are freshly groomed and styled, you get the idea that people don't have dogs for companions as much as they do to show off. This is backed up when you walk into 7-11 and a lady is toting around a Volpino on her arm like a purse, or you walk through the market and a person has a pug strapped to the front of them in a baby harness. Get a fancy breed, keep it with you everywhere (mall, supermarket, etc.), don't let it walk on its own, and keep it pampered. To increase the cute, stick to small breeds. What are large breeds even for?

10. Having white skin automatically makes me rich

I just got out of my Lamborgini to tell you that I won't be able to make it to the grand opening of your posh restaurant, upscale gallery launch, or the after party at the roof bar atop that fancy highrise hotel because I need to take out my new yacht. Oops! I just dropped a couple thousand baht! It touched the ground, I don't want it anymore. No big.

As I approach my return to the motherland, I am thankful for the invaluable eye-opening experiences that I've had overseas. With that being said, everything you learn while you live in a different country isn't going to be awesome. Sometimes it is going to make you upset or frustrated, but it's how you deal with it that matters most and reflects your personal development. There will be days when you can't wrap your head around why someone would do something in the way that you are witnessing, or you are forced to realize how narrow your worldview is. It's inevitable.

Living abroad is one of the most rewarding experiences because when you recognize these things, you grow as an aware individual and global citizen. When I do take my tongue out of my cheek, I too speak of nothing but the authentic rewards of relocating across the Pacific.